Extremely Lame

Coming back from Ft. Worth, I didn’t have time to make lunch, so I stopped at a 7-11 and picked up some sunflower seedsm and upon reading the back of the package (since I obviously have nothing else to do), I found this gem:

CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU’RE A SEEDER!

Seeders are unique. They’re cool, confident, independent, active, and hard working. They know that eating DAVID® Sunflower Seeds makes what they do more enjoyable. Things are better with DAVID because they’re a snack and an activity. Experience SNACKTIVITY.™

Are they serious? Eating sunflower seeds makes you confident, indepentent, active, and hard working? HOLY SHIT WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? No wonder I’ve had such terrible luck with the ladies; I wasn’t eating sunflower seeds. It all makes sense now! Hell, I bet I wouldn’t even need a million dollars to do two chicks at the same time, I bet all I need are sunflower seeds! And my perceived lack of multitasking ability? GONE! Thanks to DAVID® Sunflower Seeds, I can do two things at once by experiencing SNACKTIVITY™! Is there nothing that sunflower seeds can’t do?